No sex = ok sex

One of the best things about growing older is that the idea of having 25 orgasms a night loses its appeal...

The flipside of this is that we can lose interest in sex completely – but is this such a terrible thing?

Which would you rather have – sex or intimacy?
Chances are, if you're in your late 30s or 40s, you'd go for intimacy over sex. Of course, if you're in your teens or slightly older, you'd probably go for the sex – and that's exactly as it should be.

The strange thing is, happy as we are to accept that shift in the way we see the world in other areas of our lives, we find it very difficult to accept when it comes to our sexual desires; in some profound way, no longer wanting to have sex that often – or at all – seriously threatens our sense of self.

Lack of desire has been associated with many different things – with becoming a mother, with having too little time to get yourself into the mood or, with being in a relationship so long that your partner, in your eyes, is no longer the hungry wolf at the door but the comfy sheepskin slippers under the bed...

But, what happens when you want it?
For women who have lost interest in sex and are partnered with men who still want it, it can be very traumatic, because it threatens all the ideas of self that you have held so dear for so long. But that's the way you have to view it: it's a stage.

Sex experts the world over say that this isn't a reason to get anxious; that would be counterproductive. Instead, they advise that we use it to explore other aspects of our sexuality and/or creativity.

Apparently, one of the reasons that monks and priests renounced sex was in order to redirect that enormous energy elsewhere. Actor and writer Stephen Fry is famous for adopting the same position: he said that when he wasn't focused on who he was going to have sex with, how and when, he found himself to be much more creative in other areas – his brain worked better, he could write better and think loftier thoughts.

So think of this fallow sex period as a time to explore, rather than a problem that needs to be fixed. Chances are, when you reconnect with your (neglected) more creative side, your sexual energies will come surging back.

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